Imperfection is my new Perfect
One credit shy of my B.A. for 36 years. Am I a loser, or a closer?
I’ve always told myself, and others, that being one credit shy of my Bachelor of Arts degree isn’t a big deal. If I was talking to young people about being an entrepreneur, I’d confidently say “lots of people who’ve fulfilled their dreams didn’t finish university”.
But if I’m being honest, (and that’s the point of these blogs) I’ve actually been having intermittent nightmares about not finishing school since I left university 36 years ago. The dream starts with me standing in the middle of a cacophonous, fluorescent-lit hallway with teenagers streaming by me and bells ringing in my head. Then I feel mounting horror when I realize I’m trapped there, and I now have to finish my high school degree as an aging adult. I wake up with a sense of dread, sometimes in an epic panic. Now we don’t need sophisticated Freudian analysis to decode that all that bravado about “who needs a degree?” was just that; bravado. Deep down, part of me felt like a failure for not getting my shit together to finish that one course. But another part of me thought I’d get it together and one day, knock that off my to-do list – proven by my dog-eared, incomplete university transcript that has sat at the top of my “important documents” folder for 36 years and 15 moves.
My unfinished degree was like a dangling reminder; I’m a loser, not a closer. I’m not disciplined enough. And over the past three decades, the pain from this has dulled as my career, and my life became more and more exciting. I thought I was okay with my failure to launch. Then, four years ago, I took a trip to Kingston for a tour of Queen’s University with my 18-year-old daughter.
As we walked around the campus, with a stream of kids and parents from across the eastern seaboard, I pointed out a couple of key landmarks. Someone from the crowd asked me how I knew so much about Queen’s when my daughter jumped in with… “she went to school here…” (wait for it; emphatic pause) “but she never graduated.” Punch. Direct hit. Winded. Gutted. By the one person for whom I wanted to be my best self. The perfect mom. The perfect entrepreneur. The perfect feminist. The perfect role model. With one small phrase, everything I thought I had done right was erased. Because I wasn’t walking the walk. I’d told her that if you commit to something you have to see it through. You have to finish, and that quitting isn’t morally, ethically, or personally a good thing. I was imperfect. I was a loser, not a closer.
I’m not going to tell you that I went directly home, called the university admissions office and sorted it all out. Again, I let it linger – after all I’d waited over 30 years, I could wait some more, right? For three more years the inertia lingered.
Then, after taking a two-month solo trip to Costa Rica I had the time and the space to sort out my “dream map.” Near the top of the list was applying for a Master’s degree at Dalhousie. I’d read about this unique Masters in Creative Non-Fiction program and it sounded right up my alley. So now, the need to complete and tie up loose ends wasn’t just unfinished business, it was a necessary part of getting starting on a new journey.
A few months after returning home, I created a plan that would give me the window I needed to finish my degree (the way I wanted) with 100% of my focus and energy. In September, I stopped going into the office and started working from home, I told my staff and my business partner husband, that I’d write some blogs and continue to do some business development but that my courses were going to be the focus of my days, nights and weekends until December.
After reviewing a bunch of online material about academic requirements at Queen’s, I determined the easiest way to get my degree was to complete two half credits online. I chose 19th Century Art History and a Creative Entrepreneur course. Then I got down to the business of tying up this loose end and hoped that the nightmares (although infrequent now) would be replaced by some new fear, some new doubt.
So, what did I learn? I learned that I still care about marks, despite what I have always told my daughter. I took pride in learning about Turner and David and all the political and social forces driving their creations. I learned that while I’ve been an entrepreneur for most of my life, there were so many things I didn’t know that will help me conquer my next business challenge. I learned that although writing is something that I’ve done for my employers and clients for over 30 years now, taking time out from writing for work has allowed me to rediscover the joy of personal expression.
The reality in embracing my imperfections is that I’ve discovered a new sense of purpose. I’m still driven enough to want to ace my courses and tie up unfinished business. Most importantly, I learned that while I am obsessed with doing things well, being perfect isn’t the point. Imperfections are the lessons that inform our actions and motivate us to move forward. Imperfection is my new perfect.
On December 1st at 12:42PM, I submitted the final essay to complete my Bachelor of Arts degree. I’m planning to graduate with my amazing daughter, from the same university, in the same program, 36 years after I first left. After all, this is all her fault, because she made me accountable to myself.
Want to follow Dorothy’s journey? Read more of her search for imperfect perfection here.
