Putting Productivity on Pause
Chapter 3: 58 days of self-imposed isolation
Crispy french fries and a salty margarita. Simple pleasures that changed everything. It marked the moment I finally put a pause on productivity. But it took me 10 days and a flurry of activity and self-reflection to get there.Throughout my life, many of the goals and resolutions I’ve set for myself have been hard, and too many times, I’ve come up short. Or, at least that’s what I told myself.
For me, the dark side of goal setting is creating an expectation that we can go from 0 to 100 instantly, and stay there… forever. Too often I have tried to go from the couch to exercising everyday; from having 2 or 3 glasses of wine at a dinner party to complete abstinence, from lying about eating potato chips and ice-cream to EXTREME productivity.
When I left for 58 days of self-imposed isolation, for a “sabbatical,” I went to take a break from being a busy wife, mother, and entrepreneur. I was there for a re-set. My internal dialogue went like this… “ Now that I’m free of all responsibility, I have time. And I have no excuses. I can write, get healthy, exercise, figure out my life after Q Media, map out my future. And if I can’t do it here, I can’t do it anywhere. If I can’t reach my goals, when I have ZERO pressure and nothing but time and space, then I’m an abject failure.” Technically I didn’t fail. I didn’t spend 58 days eating french fries and drinking margaritas, lolling about reading trashy novels and sleeping in. Here’s what happened instead.
I was on a sublime retreat in paradise and I had the financial means to create the perfect setting to reach my goals. But before I took a walk on the beach, or swam in the ocean I created a whole new set of pressures for myself.I told myself I had to have a “productive retreat.” I must eat perfectly. Stop drinking. Use no technology. Write only by hand. Read only meaningful, challenging non-fiction or highbrow literary fiction. Go to yoga. Rise with the sun. Write for hours a day, and fill up a multitude of journals. I had to make the most; get the most, out of this incredible opportunity.
And the first 10 days I was on FIRE! I was tenacious. (I know, I know, be prepared to be exhausted.) I wrote 22 four page hand-written letters to friends and family. I read Reductionism in Art and Brain Science, Flow: The Psychology Optimal Experience, The Prophet, an early brilliant Joan Didion book and three other works of literary fiction. I simultaneously wrote in three journals. I started and ended each day in my gratitude journal. Throughout the day I made notes in a journal I carried in my backpack everywhere (using a colour-coded set of pens to delineate between Questions to Ponder/ Reflections on Reading/ Future Plans/ and Dream Mapping.) My third journal stayed in the cabin and was just a typical journal, for keeping track of my activities, thoughts and musings. I started a speech for an upcoming conference. I tried my hand at starting a memoir, a short story and a screenplay. I cut out sugar and alcohol. I didn’t go out after 5PM. I explored every beach and back road on my bike to make sure I was physically active at least 3-4 hours a day. I went to yoga class three times a week.
Believe me when I say this isn’t me bragging… this is me demonstrating the insanity of my A-type productivity mindset… on speed. (Read; too much time off.) I pushed myself hard and thought WOW this is working. I am productive. I can reach my goals and my resolutions. I just need more time and less responsibility. And then 10 days into my trip, I had a an A-HA moment. Thank goodness.
I was pushing through Reductionism in Art and Brain Science, from a beach chair at a quaint bar on Playa Cocles, when I saw an order of crispy french fries with a side of garlic aioli and a margarita pass by me on the way to a very sane, relaxed couple. It was my A-HA moment. It hit me… OMG I’m turning this incredible opportunity to refresh my extremely exhausted brain into a form of self-punishment. Of course, I pulled out my colour-coded pens and wrote in my #2 journal. “Am I treating this break as a form or penance? If I’m lucky enough to have all this time and space to myself, then I must be productive or I’m the biggest loser?” But then I thought: Why was I punishing myself? Didn’t I deserve to relax? I put down my journal and did what any self-aware normal human would do… I ordered french fries and got myself a drink. And it marked the beginning of my retreat.
So what did I learn and how did the next 48 days unfold?
I learned I could be creative and alone, reflecting and grateful without the A-type, Calvinist work ethic. A few things faded away but many of my activities stayed the same. I dropped the colour-coded journaling. Seriously, what was I thinking? I’ve never been a colour-coding organizational freak before? I stopped writing home because I realized it wasn’t about writing to family and friends, it was about proving to myself and to my loved ones that, “See; this is great. Yes, I’m writing. Proof, I’m being productive.” And I realized this “proving myself” was a huge part of what I needed to shed and not just while on sabbatical, but here at home too. Strangely everything else pretty much stayed the same because I was loving it.
(Remember, I did have 12-14 hours alone, every night, in a small dark 150 sq. foot cabin.) But in the following days, I added in a social life with two amazing women, Ro and Christine and overall – I slowed down. I relaxed, or least, my version of relaxing.
The french fry/margarita A-HA moment somehow triggered a deep need to give myself permission. Permission to be, or not be productive. To give myself permission to read challenging books, or just troll through bins of trashy detective novels. To remain in my cabin and be alone or hang out with new friends and have some fun. Once I put productivity was on pause, the pressure valve to perform, complete, and output was opened. I finally experienced a sense of calm and rejuvenation and with that came lots of creative results.
As I was getting ready to leave I found a quote, which I included in a thank you note crafted for Kiana, the host of my retreat. “When you let go of what no longer serves you, you create space for what’s meant to be.” While in Costa Rica for 58 days of self-imposed isolation, I found space and gave myself permission to put productivity on pause. The trick now is figuring out how to integrate those lessons into my life back at home as a mother, wife and entrepreneur.
Perhaps I should just go and find myself some french fries and a margarita?
Coming Soon
Chapter 4: Rain in Paradise.
